I should be there, but I don’t want to be there... BUT I should be there - Part8

I should be there, but I don’t want to be there... BUT I should be there - Part8

 

I stared at the door.  The more I looked at it , the more I could see every defect, every blemish in that door.  The thing that made things worse was that my imagination was playing games in my head.  I just knew that Karl was dying. I had flashes of real stupidity, and I knew that Karl would find it funny.  The Grim Reaper standing over his bed, saying to him, "Look, you knew the salon mouse was off.  I didn't want  to push the door open, but I owed it to myself and Karl to do that.  I placed my hand on the door handle and pushed.

It was like moving from the light into the dark.   The room was hushed, and all the lights were dimmed. There were oasis of light, I cold see three nurses, and Karl.   He lay on the bed in a picture of obscene grotesque beauty.  His head had a red halo of blood, and his hair was plastered to his head.  His face seemed to move, as his blood exited his body.  His body was like one of those CSI shows,  The nurse holding his had, wiped clean the blood from his face, only to find it had returned.  His body provided the bed, with an insane line around it.  The deference was it wasn't chalk, it was blood.

The blood reflected the light, and one nurse made herself busy on pain control, another had several changes of bedding, and they'd gently but firmly put fresh bedding,  on the bed, only to find it's crimson hue was replaced by fresh blood.  Karl Screamed.  It tore through me, like the claws of a thousand finger nails, being scraped on a blackboard.

My mentor came in, and gently took me out, leaving the door to close, and hide Karl from the world again.  Allowing him to leave this planet, and hopefully find peace. She told me that Karl was going hard, and that he'd either "bleed out" or choke on his own blood.  I just felt it was unfair, and I told her so.  She agreed, and gave me a hug, and told me to help keep the ward running.

I tried to get as far away from that room.  There was someone I cared about fighting not to live, but to leave with some dignity.  I went through, into the ladies section, and Karl screamed again.  We all jumped, and so I told them that a patient wasn't well (Under fucking Statement  of the year..  )  and if they could pray for him, or think good thoughts, I'd appreciate it.  He screamed again, and we all jumped.

The mentor had got in touch with Karl's wife, and she was on the way in.   I stood there praying under my breath that she's make it.  I went through most of the shift on automatic pilot.  With every scream, I was waiting for the end.  The screams were changing their tone, they were becoming more animalistic, more angry.   No matter where I stood on the ward, I could hear them.

My mentr came to me, a hour before the end of my shift, she told me that I could go home early.  Her reasoning was, as it was snowing heavily and I'd have to rely on  British  Rail, I should get off,  or I could be stuck here over night.  I honestly think she was doing it, because of  Karl dying..  I left, and passed his wife on the way to the life.  As I was waiting for the lift, Karl screamed.

The next day was my final day on the ward, and I'd got an  absolutely great report.  My tutor then told me, how Karl died.   His wife sat by his bedside holding his hand, and got up to go to the toilet, and while she was gone, he screamed, and died.

Over the years...

Karl visits me, not in the spiritual sense, but I remember, and in my head I spout theories.  I think about him screaming. Every  visit creates another theory, and he came to me, just before Christmas in a dream.  So  what I'm going to do is  spout them out, and you can say "oiy you ponce, you're so wrong!"

The first one, and the obvious one, is that the pain was too much, and so he screamed.

The second one, and I must admit, I like...  He's not going into the dark night gently, he's going kicking and screaming.

The third, he was announcing his exit...

And the fourth, and final one, and I really hope it was this, Like   Tennent's "Doctor Who", he just didn't want to go...  His  wife was with him, and he was angry he was leaving...

Why did I write this?

I suppose  I was exorcising a ghost, and I really loved him.  I wanted you all  to meet him, and hopefully like him too.  I miss him,  and I hope I did him justice...

OH last night "The life of PI" was on, and it answered why I feel guilty...   "I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye. "