I should be there, but I don’t want to be there... BUT I should be there - Part8

I should be there, but I don’t want to be there... BUT I should be there - Part8

 

I stared at the door.  The more I looked at it , the more I could see every defect, every blemish in that door.  The thing that made things worse was that my imagination was playing games in my head.  I just knew that Karl was dying. I had flashes of real stupidity, and I knew that Karl would find it funny.  The Grim Reaper standing over his bed, saying to him, "Look, you knew the salon mouse was off.  I didn't want  to push the door open, but I owed it to myself and Karl to do that.  I placed my hand on the door handle and pushed.

It was like moving from the light into the dark.   The room was hushed, and all the lights were dimmed. There were oasis of light, I cold see three nurses, and Karl.   He lay on the bed in a picture of obscene grotesque beauty.  His head had a red halo of blood, and his hair was plastered to his head.  His face seemed to move, as his blood exited his body.  His body was like one of those CSI shows,  The nurse holding his had, wiped clean the blood from his face, only to find it had returned.  His body provided the bed, with an insane line around it.  The deference was it wasn't chalk, it was blood.

The blood reflected the light, and one nurse made herself busy on pain control, another had several changes of bedding, and they'd gently but firmly put fresh bedding,  on the bed, only to find it's crimson hue was replaced by fresh blood.  Karl Screamed.  It tore through me, like the claws of a thousand finger nails, being scraped on a blackboard.

My mentor came in, and gently took me out, leaving the door to close, and hide Karl from the world again.  Allowing him to leave this planet, and hopefully find peace. She told me that Karl was going hard, and that he'd either "bleed out" or choke on his own blood.  I just felt it was unfair, and I told her so.  She agreed, and gave me a hug, and told me to help keep the ward running.

I tried to get as far away from that room.  There was someone I cared about fighting not to live, but to leave with some dignity.  I went through, into the ladies section, and Karl screamed again.  We all jumped, and so I told them that a patient wasn't well (Under fucking Statement  of the year..  )  and if they could pray for him, or think good thoughts, I'd appreciate it.  He screamed again, and we all jumped.

The mentor had got in touch with Karl's wife, and she was on the way in.   I stood there praying under my breath that she's make it.  I went through most of the shift on automatic pilot.  With every scream, I was waiting for the end.  The screams were changing their tone, they were becoming more animalistic, more angry.   No matter where I stood on the ward, I could hear them.

My mentr came to me, a hour before the end of my shift, she told me that I could go home early.  Her reasoning was, as it was snowing heavily and I'd have to rely on  British  Rail, I should get off,  or I could be stuck here over night.  I honestly think she was doing it, because of  Karl dying..  I left, and passed his wife on the way to the life.  As I was waiting for the lift, Karl screamed.

The next day was my final day on the ward, and I'd got an  absolutely great report.  My tutor then told me, how Karl died.   His wife sat by his bedside holding his hand, and got up to go to the toilet, and while she was gone, he screamed, and died.

Over the years...

Karl visits me, not in the spiritual sense, but I remember, and in my head I spout theories.  I think about him screaming. Every  visit creates another theory, and he came to me, just before Christmas in a dream.  So  what I'm going to do is  spout them out, and you can say "oiy you ponce, you're so wrong!"

The first one, and the obvious one, is that the pain was too much, and so he screamed.

The second one, and I must admit, I like...  He's not going into the dark night gently, he's going kicking and screaming.

The third, he was announcing his exit...

And the fourth, and final one, and I really hope it was this, Like   Tennent's "Doctor Who", he just didn't want to go...  His  wife was with him, and he was angry he was leaving...

Why did I write this?

I suppose  I was exorcising a ghost, and I really loved him.  I wanted you all  to meet him, and hopefully like him too.  I miss him,  and I hope I did him justice...

OH last night "The life of PI" was on, and it answered why I feel guilty...   "I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye. "

I should be there, but I don’t want to be there... BUT I should be there - Part 7

I should be there, but I don’t want to be there... BUT I should be there - Part 7

 

The talk was interesting, and I came to the conclusion, that you are going to struggle with the young,  as they take things literally.  The class was a broad spectrum  of age groups, and I prided myself I could talk to anyone.  I met up with my friends and we sat together and watched it begin.

The two nurses introduced themselves, and began with a question.  "How do you explain Death?".  It was thrown around the room, and a broad variety of answers came, fluttering back to the front of the hall.  "The release of the soul/spirit", The emptying of the life force",  "The end, full stop", and then there was a pause.  The tallest nurse turn to the collective group of students, said, "How do you explain death to a child? ".  She quickly points at one of the students who was talking.  I knew him, he was tall, he had longish hair, (Which he'd recently cut), and he was a friendly easy going guy.  "OK, I'm your child, and for some reason, we don't see Grandma anymore...  DADDY, DADDY DADDY, WHERE'S GRANDMA?".  She pauses, places her hands behind her back, joins hands, and starts to sway.  WHERE'S GRANDMA DAD, UNDER THE PATIO?".

She waits, and the guy looks nervously round the hall, pleading with us, begging to get out of this hell that had been unleashed on him.  The nurse lowers her voice, "Where's Grandma, Dad?  I miss her".  He nervously says, "Grandma, has gone on a journey.... and she won't be coming back.".  The caused the nurse to wail, "You never liked her did you?  Mummy always said you said, you'll be glad when she's put in a home".  She then thanked the student, and turned to the class and said, "There are loads of pitfalls, talking to a child, you must see through their eyes, and to that purpose, we are now going to role play!"

The first thing that went through my head was "Fuck!" and the second was, "Fuck, Fuck, Fuckity Fuck Fuck", I hated role play.   "OK", "The nurse carried on, "The more mature students, struggle to remember your childhood.  The younger ones think back a few years, and go there.".  She paused, then she said, "We're going to be coming around the room, observing.  The really interesting ones will do a repeat performance, for the whole class, but to motivate, we have...", there's a dramatic pause, and the other nurse smiled.  The smile turned into a grin, and with a flourish, she pulled out a large family size bag of "Malteasers".  (A chocolate ball, with a honeycomb centre).

I teamed up with "Steve", a student from Sheffield, and at the time a good friend.  (I honestly thought he might not be, after I'd finished with  him.  (I had a malicious streak of humour  and I was going to unleash it on him).  We had to take turns, one being the child, the other the parent, I got to be the child first.

Me - "Where's  Grandma, Dad?"

Steve - "She's gone away to a really nice place".

Me - "Is she coming back?"

Steve - "No, she can't come back?


This was when one of the Macmillan nurses came to observe.  "Fuck" I thought, and then realised I'd committed myself to this, and carried on.

Me - "Why can't she come back?  Doesn't she love us anymore?"

Steve pauses, takes a deep breath,  gets a small but quiet, round of applause from the observer, and carries on.

Steve - "She loves you very much, but the rail service is very bad where she is now".

Another round of applause...

Me - "Can we visit her?"

Steve - "No,  we'd be stuck there too."

Me, "We could drive..."

Steve - "Bad roads"

Me - "Why did she goes there?  It sounds like shit..."

"Steve - "Grandad is there..."

Me - Can we book a taxi?"

Steve replied "Too expensive". and got a round of applause from the nurse.

To  make matters worse, we got a chance to perform in front of the class  (SODDING KARMA).



What happened on the second day; they took pity on us.  They came in with a table of children's books.  Each book hsd been chosen to explain death, and the told use to choose a book that touched us, as we're liable to remember it.  

Taking Steve's stellar performance the day prior, I chose one about a family of fishes.  The grandma tells the grandson, it was time for her to go into the river.  The Grandson cries, and grandma tells him, she'd try to swim back, but to know she loves him.   

She enters the river, and she's buffeted about by the current, and realises she wont get back.   She ends up in a pool, where Grandad is.


I enjoyed it, and looked forward to telling Karl.

The next day, I arrived on the ward, and Karl's door was closed.  I opened the door....